OK - Neck Stuck Out

New Web Site

2011-11-02T08:28:00.001-05:00

I have not been very active here you say..??

Yes, but I have not 'completed' my recovery process - something that will not be finished until the last page of history has been written and Jesus Christ returns to establish His Eternal Kingdom.

A later path to recovery, after having a period of freedom from life dominating hangups and habits, is activity in service to others.

God has chosen to use this weak vessel to serve in several capacities in a wonderful fellowship of believers at Mount Zion Baptist Church in Huntsville Alabama.

I am privilaged to be a regular contributor to the church's community centered magazine 'ConnecZion' as well as lead a sunday school class from time to time. I was also tapped to be the 'median aged' adult Sunday school coordinator - providing material for and encouraging class leaders in ther ministry. I work with a close to a dozen wonderful laborers in God's church family.

On another side of busy, is my endeavors at writing for pleasure and catharsis. I have created a website for an outlet of these creative juices; KRACKED POT LITERATURE www.rlkirkland.com .
Come visit me there.

Life Moves On

2010-05-15T08:30:00.019-05:00

Can anyone be at peace with themselves at all times. I hope not, it's a sign that they either have given up on life (or have never started living in a state of reality). I have certainly not given up, and I long to grow day by day into a state of being real with myself and others.

That said, my life has moved to a different stage. In retirement I have been able to divest myself of much stress that kept 'RECOVERY' to the forefront of my living. With less stress there has come a time of less temptation to resort to harmful ways of dealing with those stressful events

No,

No,

no... I'm not fooling my self, I must remain vigilant I still understand that I tend to have an addictive personality. It's the venue that is changing. I have been writing a great deal about my life still, and am doing it in a transparent way.

My recovery friends feel it important to note that; "You are only as sick as your secrets" and I undertake to have precious few. You can read about who I am becoming still as I continue to journal and submit pieces of literature in my Deviant Art account (yes, yes - a HORRID name - read it 'none-commercial' art).

Comfort

Comfort one and share their tears

To live with Christ's compassion

Casting by rejection fears

Comfort one and share their tears

No sweeter words have come to ears

Than those that love would fashion

Comfort one and share their tears

To live with Christ's compassion

As so with that - Adieu

Whew-Update at Last

2010-01-25T18:35:00.014-06:00

Well for heavens sake, where have you been? (One might ask)

I have been busy writing, but It hasn't been on this blog. (I'm looking a little shamefaced).

Does this mean that I've stopped 'Sticking My Neck Out' or that my recovery is no longer important?

Nyet - Non - Nein - No - Not at all. What it does mean is that it is in a new phase where I am continuing to process how I feel about life through writing poetry. (Yeah Go Ahead... I know, it sounds funny to me too.) I am in a really great, highly interactive 'Art Community' called (now don't let this throw you) DeviantArt. Oooo, yeah, I know what that sounds like; but it's not. (Whew!) DeviantArt is a 'Deviation' from main stream commercial art that has a focus on community where Visual and written arts can be submitted for viewing in your 'gallery' with a means for other artists to review, comment and even formally critique each others work in a very affirming atmosphere.

(Most of the time - GRINS).

AND -

I have retired and Moved South to Harvest, Alabama

1. You don't have to shovel the rain :-)

2. Many 50 degree days in January.

3. Closer to MORE of the Grandchildren

I do miss my precious little Lila :-(

My son Tim and wife Lauren with Lila have moved into our old home in Connecticut. So she is quite at home there. But (Big Sigh) I sure would love to have here close enough to give a big hug to every now and then.

(Another Big Sigh)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~JOY

Joy is that, when gladly shared

Its blessings found are doubled

What eases pain - this tonic dared?

Joy is that, when gladly shared

Appealing this, it's showing care

When your dear friends are troubled

Joy is that, when gladly shared

Its blessings found are doubled

Who I'm Not

2009-06-16T21:18:00.012-05:00

It’s seldom that I give a thought

Of who I am or who I’m not

Am I that face which you can see?

Or just a form I choose to be?

Who am I when left alone?

When speaking through a telephone

Am I that man shown in the mirror?

Or do my thoughts reveal me clearer

Is it known through how I act?

Self asserted, citing fact

I’d think that I would know me well

That all my motives I could tell

Hard as this may be received

Our own awareness is oft’ deceived

Subtler truths then deeds do speak

Caught up in a moment weak

Not in charm, no - not in tact

It’s when we’ve reason to react

Well, it's been a while, I have given a inordinate amount of time to writing and reading poetry (of all things). A recently written poem reminded me of how in recovery we are challenged to put away our masks and be real with ourselves and others.

This is often very hard to do. Self-deception in the form of "blind spots" or denial are very common to all. Many times it takes the perception of others who are in recovery to put a finger on where we are broken in this area. This of course will never happen unless we have built a web of relationships that are characterized by openness and trust. This is where a group such as Celebrate Recovery can be of tremendous help.

Bearing Pain

2009-03-13T16:42:00.005-05:00

Eyes in our head
And ears to hear
Awareness and glad desire
of joy we seek

But pain is ever a near companion
What can be said?
What comfort drawn from shallow wells?

It’s ok - we mock
The face of sorrow turns
It’s not - we know
Comforter and one crushed by woe

Another path then
must we take
What…Truth?
No, not that face
It can’t be borne
Shroud it, now, its light
too much reveals

Hear though, pain now faced
Then is passed
More pain will come, of course
Yet grappled once and then again
It’s met, not mocked, it’s form revealed
It’s terrors vain

Eyes in our head
And ears to hear
Come now my friend
I will draw near
to nurture hope,
rekindle glad desire.

Compassion's Hand

2009-03-05T15:10:00.006-06:00

Life at last had beat me down
with painful cares and woes.
Then in a bottle chose I to drown
to haste this chapter’s dismal close.
I’d ne’er had thirst for better days
drinking death, all loves long lost.
How can this last – now who’s to say?
What tally kept of mortal cost?
But hope, bright hope was then revealed,
my life sprung fresh anew.
With eager gladness long concealed
dark thoughts then sank from view
Compassion’s hand to lift to heal
and truth without which nothing’s real.

Torn Fabric

2009-02-22T19:07:00.009-06:00

Ah, the fabric of socialized life, resilient, durable and resistant to rips and tears

In an increasingly inhospitable world, relational dynamics, such as those found in families, often require these qualities for survival. The "Nuclear" (breadwinner & homemaker) family, single parent families and blended families for example demand great flexibility and creativity to meet everyone’s emotional needs.

This fabric however, comes under stress and begins to fray as internal family dynamics change over time. Unfortunately, the very thing that makes it strong is what causes the most pain when put under duress. Children who were once dependent become increasingly independent. Under the best of circumstances this causes some tearing of emotional bonds during the process of separation. When the process becomes complicated by dysfunctional behaviors, failure at meaningful communication, active rebellion against legitimate authority, alcohol or drug abuse, the pain seems to become unbearable.

In my own story, as a “responsible” member, who was counted on to provide security and stability, I much complicated this dynamic by responding to family or relational crises by detaching emotionally and attempting to bury my pain in alcohol abuse and other destructive behaviors. This perpetuated a cycle of dysfunction that was very difficult to break.

Very difficult however, did not mean impossible. God by his grace brought me to the point of seeing the need to take “ownership” of my part. That meant exercising intentional compassion on my part. (Discovering and unconditionally ministering to my significant others at their points of pain.) It meant joining with others having dysfunctional or addictive behaviors, without condemnation, and seeking paths of recovery together. It meant facing, admitting, and having a real (open and honest) dialog about my own pain. Confessing wrong choices I had made trying to cope with unmet relational expectations and pain

I have come to recognize that this can’t be done alone and that I needed to seek help. False (misplaced) pride is the Captain of dysfunctional behavior. I struggle to subdue that deceiver and continue to break the cycle. My social and emotional well-being is worth it.

Celebrate Recovery

A Day (or two) Late (but not a dollar short)

2009-02-16T07:35:00.007-06:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with recovery other than how it has revitalized the level of love for my wife and family.

Happy (late) Valentines day Poem
To my beloved

Without your love I'm likened to
A thousand ways or more
A night in shining armor
Sitting in a splendid castle
Hoping for a war

Missteps

2009-02-10T15:09:00.016-06:00

How in the world did I get to this state?
I'm anxious, ill at ease. I'm disgusted and angry with myself.
I've caught myself in an all too well known situation. One in which I know is not where I should be or want to be. How did this happen?

Let me take stock here... hmmm, Ok, it's a good thing to catch myself. I didn't need to be blind sided by friends or family. Though in some situations actions have taken place where "catching" myself was hardly a challenge. "Fools rush in.." as the saying goes. Prompt recognition of where and when one is failing is good. Keeping a "short list" (dealing with issues quickly) is, as they say, Priceless.

Now, there has to a common thread at the beginning of which habits, addictions or any other ignoble response to life's daily challenges begin to present themselves.

There is! Great.. (One of the marvelous things about my Higher Power Jesus is that he often brings things to remembrance.)

My earthly, fleshly "carnal" desires are not generally of a very pure or noble nature.
When I toy with my desires, ("get into", dwell on, fantasize over them), they become very enticing and/or absorbing.
Desires entertained (inflamed) are difficult to control and more likely to be acted upon.

Great men of history have spoke of wanting to do the right thing and failing. Wanting to resist acting out hurtful things and yet doing those very things. It's quite frustrating to be just as human as, lets say, the Apostle Paul for example. Yes, his struggles in this area are self confessed.

I am finding that many of my "Habits" and "Hangups" have sprung from differing motivations.

First (at least in the beginning), they were formed as a response to or as a defense against "Hurts". As a young child denial (pretending that there was nothing wrong with how my family functioned), detachment and disassociation (blocking things from my conscious memory) were the only options I had. As time moved on more "tools" were added, among them drug and alcohol abuse.

Secondly, "Habits" & Hangups" were further developed tying to have social and sexual relationships apart from forming a basis of trust, commitment and open communication. Lying became common. I was only willing to see people in relation to how they could benefit me (usually in whether they could feed the appetites of my flesh).

Yes, I did have a longing for emotional fulfillment as well. Looking back, it is not surprising that this was never adequately met because of the "firewall" of relational dysfunctions I was surrounded with. It was only when the revelation of unmerited acceptance of who I am, apart from what I had failed to do or to be, had come to me, that emotional healing and growing emotional well being became a developing reality.

Are all pleasures bad? No, I was created for an abundant life to to ENJOY my creator forever.

Can I have my desires met in such a way that I can be at peace with my creator, my family and (in some ways most vital) myself? Yes, though I am just learning how.

A Lighter Side

2009-01-31T10:28:00.014-06:00

Hi, (your name if they know you), great to see you! This accompanied by a strong bear hug from those who know you. (For some, myself included, this takes a bit of getting used to.) Smiling faces all around in those who greet you like a long lost friend. (Even if you are new to the meeting.)

Some, those who are obviously in distress, are greeted with warm dignity. Genuine sensitivity seems to inhabit those brought to positions of leadership here.

Come early and there is likely to be coffee and companionship in a "Cafe" setting or kitchen nook. The setting matters little. You are not ignored. Folks you are not familiar with will inquire after your welfare and welcome you.

This is typical of the Celebrate Recovery meetings I have attended. The "opening" is praise and worship to our "Higher Power" Jesus. This is the clear distinctive of Celebrate Recovery. The unashamed proclamation of Jesus Christ as our (the) "Higher Power". No, you are not made to feel unwelcome if this is not yet your conviction. Just settle in and enjoy, if you are able, the (usually contemporary) music that leads into a recovery teaching or testimony.

After this opening session we are invited to attend small discussion groups. Always separated into men's or woman's groups. If the meeting is large enough there may be sub groups that focus on specific needs; alcohol or drug additions, spousal abuse, etc..

This is where the "rubber meets the road" of recovery. Everyone is given an opportunity to speak out on where they are struggling. All are encouraged to speak in the first person. "I and me" statements (not we, our or your statements). No "fixing", no Gossip, no speaking to anyone in a manner that would exclude others present ("Cross talk"). No interruptions, no judgments, accepting each where they are at present. Some pass on speaking at all. That's ok too. The groups would always end in the "Lord's Prayer".

How in the world does that work??
I was quite skeptical too. Something is at work on a level that is not readily apparent. (Your higher power)? But I found it to be really helpful. Just seeing folks being open with their hurts, habits or hangups freed me up to the possibility of being honest with myself. Often, after the group meeting, which is allowed, one would come to me and speak directly to my issue. Offering encouragement, acceptance and yes, sometimes advice. This becomes VERY easy to receive when it is presented in such a context of affirmation and practical love.

Advice like:
You know, you should really try this.
I Think you will be blessed.

Too Able?

2009-01-27T16:22:00.022-06:00

Mother Please! I'd rather do it myself..
So ran an old TV commercial, (If your younger than fifty you probably would not have seen it). I haven't a clue now what the pitch was about. However, I can relate to the sentiment very well. As I emerged from a youthful environment that tended to squelch self confidence to the point of painful self depreciation, gaining self confidence was a heady experience. When circumstances came about that put me on an equal footing with others, I embraced the "Can Do" mentality with a vengeance.

It started in the U.S. Air Force basic training, which has a wonderful way of putting everyone on an equal footing. Everyone was bullied and harassed. I had endured such things through much of my young life. I was used to it, but it was a new experience for most of the others. I discovered that not only could I compete but that I could excel.

Ah, how subtle.. How could I imagine this new found confidence, which I embraced so strongly, would be such a hindrance to finding healing relationships. My lingering mistrust of others and a practiced "self-sufficiency" was building a wall of isolation that would remain undetected by me for many years. This is one of my HUGE "Hangups". {Reference Nov. 26, 2008 Post on needing to be in control}

"Life Happens", is a popular recovery phrase that seeks to encapsulate the reality of losing one's sense of being in control of painful events in our lives. In my case, several troubling circumstances began developing at about the same time. Circumstances that pressed on me to consider this reality; I couldn't handle these events in my native wisdom or with my shrinking physical and emotional resources.

Sadly, the fact that my life was utterly out of control was met by strong denial on my part.

Health issues with my wife and myself, addictive behaviors in our children in addition to the "normal" stresses of their growing independence and failure of relationships within our church family all contributed to great stress in my marriage, depression and a crisis of faith. Things began to unravel further as I began to lapse into old my old ways of dealing with life, withdrawal and addictive or destructive behaviors. These in turn added to the stress by having to "Keep Secrets", lie by manipulating the truth, and having to deal with the guilt and shame that accompanies these behaviors.

Intervention:

There are OTHERS...

My wife had a much easier time admitting the need for external resources to help with her dealings with the stress of addictive behavior in our family. She was attending meetings at our Church and ALANON. A similar group had come to our church for a presentation of their ministry, Celebrate Recovery. Old friends were involved and I was moved to join my wife to hear what this ministry was all about. Broken people openly spoke about their struggles with their Hurts, Habits and Hangups.

I faced the truth, I can't do it myself. I Can't, I need Help.
I needed assurance that being weak and broken was a normal human experience.
I needed the kind of practical love that demonstrated acceptance.
I needed a Higher power with a face, one with compassion.
I need Jesus.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Are you Ready?

2009-01-23T15:41:00.011-06:00

What step are we on again? ...Six?
Something about being ready isn't it? Entirely Ready, yeah, I'd like to think so.

Celebrate Recovery Step 6: "We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

I've got to be entirely honest here. It seems , at times, that I'm not ready at all. I mean I want to be, but my "Defects of Character" still seems to make up a considerable and troubling element of my life. I think it's the ALL that's tripping me up here. I'm not sure I've even finalized my inventory yet. What? I'm not likely to..?? Ahh yes, the "Process". Ok so this is not a linear thing, more of a cycle?

Search..Admit..Remove, Search..Admit..Remove, Search..Admit..Remove
Something like that?
No?

Sooo then, the emphasis is not on all but on being entirely ready, I see. Being ready opens me up to the potential for change. What exactly does being entirely ready mean?

Let me get this down;

Listening - My intentional, truthful, interaction with others will help? Bible reading (God still speaks through His Word), Prayer (I see, if I don't take time to be honest with you I won't be honest with anyone).

Searching - Why did I do that; (compulsion, indulgence, hurtful or hateful action). Why do I feel this way; (angry, frightened, sad, anxious, under conviction). Yes, there would be a REASON for all those things.

Accountability for Growth and Change - Special candid relationships with one or few. (Program folks speak of having a "Sponsor").

I'm not doing all of these things yet, at least not consistently. You know, I think I've heard some of these things before. I just have a hard time putting them into practice. Yeah, Yeah, practice makes perfect. Thank you for being patient with me.
I know my actions must really grieve you at times.
I'm sorry.

Trading Habits

2009-01-14T18:34:00.021-06:00

1975, a pivotal time, a time of change. CHANGE, wow, looking back so much has happened that it would fill a book better than a blog. Perhaps I can focus on a single thread in the fabric of that change which enveloped my life along about that time. I'll attempt to portray an objective look at my addictive behaviors.

Where to begin. At age 27 the year started not with my change, but with two of my closest "friends".

Oh yeah, I suppose some explanation is needed at this point as to what sufficed as "friends" at that time.

I worked with them
I got high with them
I benefited from (used) them

I definitely did not:

Reveal my insecurities or struggles
Have any sense that they had my welfare in mind
Rely on them for anything meaningful

Addictive behavior # 1) I was "addicted" to maintaining a physically and emotionally independent lifestyle. (Earlier posts will give new readers some insight into some root causes of my addictive behaviors. Using pictures of kids, that is how I felt inside. Indeed, still do at times.)

Yet to our culture, and to any that would observe our interactions, we were friends. Friend #1, who I'll call call "George" was, as myself, a "Recreational" (pot and pills) drug user. So when he appeared at work one day with his hair cut, cleanly shaven and reading a bible, I was stunned. Less than two weeks later, friend #2, "John" was actively advocating for a wholesale change of lifestyle, to me and any other who would stand to listen. Remarkable, (ours was a VERY HOSTILE work environment). This person who was once one of my most reliable sources for procuring drugs now wanted me to read the "Book", yes, even insisted that I take the very copy that he had received from "George".

Addictive behavior # 2) I was "addicted" to drugs and alcohol to keep me from feeling the abandonment, loneliness and betrayal of which I sensed, yet at the time I did not understand it's nature or source.

The "Peace" and "Flower Children" movement had failed to deliver on that which I longed for. "Love" was not "Free".
"Trust", was too easily betrayed.

I was brought back to Addictive behavior # 1).
I still believed that I could find satisfying relationships without addressing mutual insecurities or providing substantial emotional investment.
{children art by Sarah Kirkland}

I read "the book", a pocket sized "King James" version Holy Bible. I was determined to find out what had brought about such a dramatic change in my friends.

This is where , if this were a novel or Hollywood film, the plot twist comes in. The change came to me too, but my addictive behaviors were not abolished, just replaced.

Addictive behavior # 3) I suffer an "addiction" to conform to the expectations of men.

The circumstances of my conversion to the christian faith is another story to tell. It is enough to say that it was a sincere change, well meaning and at least outwardly effective.

"The Trade"

Physical isolation
Emotional Independence
Mistrust
"Self Medication" (alcohol & substance abuse)

Substituted by:

Banding with group of Christian Believers
Public expression of corporate worship
Acceptance of all as "Brothers" & "Sisters" in Jesus Christ
Belief in the Sufficiency of Faith alone for abundant and fruitful living

Whats wrong with that! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING -if-

Gathering together it is not a DUTY to be performed
Corporate worship is more than public conformity
Acceptance is not naivete (Christ came to save SINNERS, a state from which most have not fully recovered. Even as I.)
Faith may mean believing that God is present even in my pain, weakness, fear, trials and failures not just in the freedom from these things. (Though every good and perfect gift is from His hand).

My religious "addiction" expressed by mere conformity revealed itself in:

A lack of Compassion; putting projects and things before people.
Shallow "self protecting" relationships with God and His adopted children.

I'm sure there is more, there is so much to learn. I am humbled by the patience shown to me by the living God, others I have hurt or failed and those who faithfully pray and support.

While there is yet a breath, there is time for change.
Celebrate Recovery

Higher Power (By the Hour)

2009-01-11T09:43:00.014-06:00

Oh, Hi...,
How long have you been here?
Uh, yeah, that's right, you're ALWAYS near by... How come I didn't see you until now?
Oh, I was looking elsewhere.

You mean I have to be looking for you to see you? I see, so that's what is meant by a "DECIDING" to turn my life and will over to your care. Not a one time thing, but something I have to work on and develop. Conscious effort... That sounds like a lot of work.

Well yeah, it does make sense now that you put your finger on it. I was kind of hoping that it would just, you know, kind of happen.

Is this tied into that inventory thing? Oh, right, your here to help.

What..?? It's not just for myself..

You didn't tell me where I was going with that. It's in the steps? Well, I haven't been to regular in keeping up with those types of things lately.

Step 5: "We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

Uh, well, I know that your safe, oh you know what I mean, but isn't this kind of dangerous? Some of the details are really pretty ugly. I mean, i'm kind of ashamed to even think about some of those things. It just seems to stir up strong feelings and emotions in ways that seem more to tempt than to cleanse. Really? Sharing with others will help? Oh, ha ha ha, of course not with everyone. Silly me. Where does one find trustworthy, caring relationships?

Ok, I understand, trust is something that needs to be built. Yes, my wife and children know I am in recovery. Many things can be shared there. Church? Yes, they will pray for things that I can share as burdens or temptations. Yea, I kind of figured that that is not the place for all the gaudy details. Recovery groups that acknowledge you. You mean like Celebrate Recovery. It really began there for me didn't it.

Yes, I can remember that sharing with those guys, (things I thought I would never speak aloud to anyone), was very positive. It didn't happen for quite a while but I did begin to love and trust those guys who were each struggling with their own demons. They in turn loved me in spite of my "failure" to be "perfect".

Even now it seems odd to speak about "loving" other men. It's not a sexual thing or some squishy sentimentality, but a deep respect and concern for them as men. Men who openly showed that they truly loved you (admitted their own shortcomings to you and were willing to have you help them too) and who know they are loved by you, even when they fail.

Wow, thanks for helping me to remember those guys.

You know, as we are able, I meet with a man who I trust and is in his own recovery. Maybe we can grow together in this business of deciding to turn our lives and wills over to you in our day to day living.

Hey it can be like painting a new picture on this old canvas.... Great.

Flip & Twitch

2009-01-08T16:09:00.014-06:00

I love colorful metaphors and wild exaggerations.
When I struggle; I flip and twitch like a perch on a beach.
If something is not quite to my liking; "This - is - OUTRAGEOUS. "
If I find myself in an activity that I think is boring or unnecessary; "I would rather smash myself in the face with a brick than do this."

Oh, I don't know, being the clown is one of my defense mechanisms I suppose. Often what is said is a facade to hide my true feelings. Some of which are just as powerful in their own way to the overblown expressions of emotion that proceed from my mouth.

Admitting to REAL struggles or unchecked emotions and how painful, embarrassing or frustrating they can be opens me up to admitting REAL shortcomings in my ability to apply the social skills of self control, patience, perseverance or embrace a willingness to learn or change. This is NOT fun, but certainly a necessity if I am to grow to a healthy understanding of mending and nurturing the wounded child I sense within.

Beginning to face my fears is a prospect that I have just recently begun to undertake. Fear of being "Found Out", (letting others in on sensitive emotional and carnal weakness, temptations and failings), was the first I had to overcome. Well, am learning to overcome. It's still hard to let others in on my "Hurts", Habits" and "Hangups".

The more I practice being honest with what I am going through at any given time the more freeing it seems to become. People begin to respond to the real me and my real needs rather this my "Projected" (protected) self and "it's" people pleasing, self sufficient, unapproachable caricature that is being "displayed" as me.

Taking Inventory

2008-12-31T08:11:00.011-06:00

OK, inventory, this should be easy. Counting things...what could be so tough? I'm inventorying WHAT??? My morality!!
You've got to be kidding!

Say, whats with this? I'm much better off than most folks. I gave up stealing long ago. Oh, how do I use my time at work you say? Hmmm.. Well, I haven't mugged anyone or robbed a bank. What else? I'm not a bold faced liar. I would always lie about almost anything. Haven't done that in a while! What do you mean that I leave out details, that isn't lying. I did fall asleep in the parking lot and got home late... Well, yea, I didn't mention that I left work early and had a few pops first. Go on, go on.. Oh never mind, I see that perhaps having an inventory might not be a bad idea after all.

Make it Fearless and Searching you say. All right! I'm not afraid of anything. Oh, that, well nobody wants to go into their weaknesses. I might get hurt.
Ok, ok then, I'm not afraid of MUCH.
Secret Sins?? ...Oh COME ON, what I do in private doesn't hurt anybody. Does it? Ok, Ok, i'll take a look at that too. I think i'm beginning to get the picture here. Thought life, yea, I know I need help there.
Hate, Envy, Lust... Oh.. I don't know if I can do this.
I made a mess of it didn't I?
It's a process you say,
and you'll help!
Yes, I know some of the knots are not of my making, but they still tie me up.
Yes, I can see that you love me.
This is going to take some time isn't it?

Making a Decision

2008-12-29T06:16:00.018-06:00

Decisions-Choices-Prejudice

Brussels photo by Monique Witsel

How many choices are we confronted with a day? I'm sure there are statistics out there that would attempt to quantify this question by some scientific method.

The truth is, that it would vary by your heritage, environment & social status as well as your mental, physical or emotional capacity.

Yet with all that bombards my senses, I do not have a consciousness of choosing at all for most of the time. It just seems to happen. Muffin over egg roll, white socks with the work boots, did I take my pills this morning?

I wise man once said that it is not how you ACT that speaks to who you really are but how you REACT.

Why do I choke up while watching this family film? Why can't I stand to see others in embarrassing situations? Why do I feel sadness coming on me as this music is playing? I am constantly in reaction to my environment. Most of the time without thinking about it at all, or if I do, not being aware of what is causing my particular reaction of the moment.

Prejudices were forming in my earliest years, passively, even covertly, by peers and the prevailing culture of my past. Prejudices were reinforced by Decisions later in life. The "Party Lifestyle" of the neighborhood bar was re-invented in the freewheeling hippie culture of "sex, drugs and rock & roll". I was becoming the creature that had dogged my life and made it a thing of misery. I was ready to "Pass it On". My "reactions" to life had become the very actions that had been so hurtful to the child I was and the wounded child within.

Why does so much pain and isolation have to take place before we are at the end of ourselves and willing to have our eyes opened to the need for change? It didn't happen suddenly.

Contact with those who cared, at no advantage to themselves.

People willingly putting themselves in positions of vulnerably to reach into my life.

Acceptance by others that was not only NOT performance based, but in spite of my lack of "performance". (Love a "Sinner" anyone?)

It was a time for a decision.... I had admitted (to myself and others) that I was powerless over my dependencies (Hurts, Habits & Hangups) and that my life had become unmanageable. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity....Celebrate Recovery; Step 3 "We made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God."

The work has begun, how will it end? ....He knows, thats enough for now.

Insanity...

2008-12-06T08:02:00.021-06:00

This is insanity: "Repeating actions over and over again and expecting different results."

Where did I first hear that? I have no idea, but upon close examination of my life, it was full of insanity!

Even at the earliest remembrances of my life, to have "FUN" the adults in my life indulged in a "Party" lifestyle. It was this fact that caused the root of conflict between my mother and Grandfather. He was the rescuer (enabler), whenever mom ran from situations that she couldn't handle. Back to Rhode Island, from wherever, for "Dads" help. This first becomes a lifestyle that defined my childhood around the time my Grandmother was dieing of cancer. I was six years old. My biological father had been divorced for some years and we were living at my Grandfathers house.

My only remembrances of spending time with my mother at that time would be going out on some forgotten "errand" in which we would stop at one of several bars and my older brother and me would be left in the car "just for a moment". After a time, that seemed to a six year old mind to be forever, we would go in and seek her out. Usually an older "gentleman" or two would be buying drinks for mom and her friend who would usually meet her there. They would give us money to play pinball to keep us occupied and out of the way. Returning to Grandpa's, usually much later, the conflict would begin.

I remember wrapping my head in a pillow and rocking back and forth so that it would block out the hurtful words that would be exchanged well into the night.

This "era" of my live was brief, shortly after my seventh birthday Mom went away to Charleston, South Carolina (a large Navy Base being there) with her best friend to "find a father for us".

Finding work as a "Hostess" (cocktail waitress), a career that allowed her to meet many of the young sailors in that port city. She was married to my first stepfather in a little over a month! He tried to be a good Dad at times, he really did. He just didn't know how, and alcoholism didn't give him much time to learn.

Insanity... Dad would be away at sea and mom would work as a cocktail waitress, a job that would bring her into contact with other young men and older "gentlemen" who would buy drinks.
Returning home for him was an occasion for rehashing unmet expectations, explaining missing support payments, airing suspicions: Who did you spend time with at your ports? Who did you spend time with at the bars, after hours? The conflict with Grandpa had now been transferred to a conflict with husband(s).

Stress - Stress Relief (Alcohol) - Drunkenness - Conflict

Unmet expectations
Unfulfilled responsibilities
Broken Promises

Insanity...

Resentment
Bitterness
Unforgivness

Destructive Behaviors become the "Normal" of your experience. "Secrets" are demanded. "It's nobody's business to know what goes on in our family". Divorce, remarriage, a late pregnancy, questionable fatherhood, divorce again, remarriage to another. From a bad situation to a worse, nothing changes for the better. It just gets worse. Verbal and emotional abuse are daily occurrences. Things are broken in anger, things are broken to deprive, to wound. Physical abuse or it's potential is never far away.

Insanity...

The child determines to be different, to not hurt, to avoid conflict at all cost.
He grows, gains the liberty of adulthood, he forgets. He drinks, he does drugs, he becomes a Hippie, a "Love Child". Loneliness and emotional isolation remain. He is still a wounded child. Insanity...

Celebrate Recovery Step #2: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

HOPE...

How Can This Be?

2008-12-03T19:10:00.010-06:00

Powerlessness:

Unable
Weak
Dependent
Helpless

These are words that frighten adults, awakening the secret child within... often a wounded child. They bring out deep insecurities, questions of our ability, our self worth.

It is very strange then that in "Recovery" one of the first things we are required to do is understand and admit our powerlessness over our "habits" and "hangups". These habits and hangups often grow from being in that very position. Powerless...hurt, shamed and dependent. (Looking to "self medicate" we develop "dependencies" such as drug and/or alcohol abuse, sexual sins - irresponsible sexual encounters or pornography, or detachment from relationships or rightful responsibilities - "workaholism", gambling, or excessive time with TV or computer "gaming").

I (among many others) have discovered that my being in this position, here and now, here where I can admit areas of my life had become or is currently unmanageable. This is the very position that is required to drive us to see our need for a "Higher Power".

Internally we can do nothing to alter our course in the direction of emotional and physical healing. Indeed I was not even aware that my learned responses to emotional pain and stress were responses that tended to build or harden "walls", isolating and detaching myself from sources of pain and conflict (my spouse, children, work and social relationships, including my church).

Contact with others were mere formalities, superficial and dishonest. A chance encounter in the hallway of our church building with a friend I have known for years. Friend - "How's it going Ron?" Self - "Fine". Friend - (as he went away muttering) "Fine.. everybody's Fine". I was getting ready for surgeries and had been suffering from depression for two years. We are continuously dishonest with ourselves (denial) and others.

Things were and are unmanageable! I needed HELP, support and strength and insight that was beyond myself. While I knew about my higher power, Jesus Christ, I had no more of a relationship with Him (the LIVING God) than with my friend in the corridor. I needed to be open and honest, confessing my addictions (habits), fears, feelings and harmful actions (hurts & hangups) to God and others. This is "Step 1" in a road to recovery.

Take It - we are not without hope. More Steps to Follow

Celebrate Recovery http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

The Wounded Child

2008-11-27T18:50:00.000-06:00

I survived it all...!
The good times, (though seemingly few), and the bad. Yet in survival,
there still remains in me a wounded child.

Many things are suppressed, buried, isolated, compartmentalized, transferred or otherwise minimized when wounds come frequently to a child who is not consciously able to process the unmanageable things in his (or her) environment.

As a result I have a great many "Blank Pages" in my book of life. Past places and times of which I am just now (at 61) beginning to peer into. I am attempting to understand the circumstances and environments (socially & physically) that has developed the formation of the Habits and Hangups which have caused so much pain to those I love.

It's never to late i'm learning to enter into recovery. Recovery gives us new abilities; released fears, compassion and the ability to connect with others on a level that transends the superficiality of day to day contact most of us live in.

Some hidden imperatives that has driven who I am and how I respond to people have been exposed. Some blank pages are re-appearing (darkly, as through a deep mist). I am, in newfoud freedom, fearful - yet assured by one who has shown that all things are possible, as I trust in Him (Jesus, my "Higher Power").

When things that were hidden, buried and (consciously) forgotten are revealed, faced, owned where necessary, forgiven where needed, exposed and confessed where required. A new sense of peace and purpose replaces them. Love of others, in spite of their flaws, is finally possible.

Lets explore our wounded child.....who knows what freedom we may find?

But I NEED to be in Control..!

2008-11-26T14:30:00.002-06:00

Pic source: http://www.infres.enst.fr/~dax/elsa/paintings/

My life seemed to be a little CHAOTIC (like this picture). I mean, a lot chaotic. I am an adult child of Alcoholic parents. Learning survival skills was not an option, but a necessity. Take the picture posted in my profile for example.

Not living high on the hog at that point in my life. A new shirt for Christmas (matched absolutely nothing I owned). Shoes that probably came from a closeout sale or "Salvation Army". No socks, pants that were worn out and worn until outgrown. "High-waters" for those old enough to remember the term.
My father and Mother were divorced when I was about two and about the time the picture was taken I had a Step-Father who was in the Navy and was absent (at sea I suppose) from much of my life. Also absent was a paycheck on many occasions. I suffered from bleeding earaches whenever I was congested from a cold. The medication was a glass of hot "Flame Tokay" which generally got me to go to sleep. Doctor visits were usually out of the question.

Flash to the Future... (no, not now, a few years back)
I was 57 and was still amazed when someone I met seemed to have a real, sincere, no strings interest in me..! I always felt that if someone had you in focus, it was to see what they could get from you. "HANGUP" There is a "root" to that thinking in my "Learned Responses" from my childhood.

A "Navy Brat" we would move frequently sometimes because of a new base sometimes due to a breakup (after a drunken brawl or no support coming in when "Dad' was at sea, it was back to Rhode Island where Grandpa lived). From 1956 to 1963 it was; RI to Texas, Texas town A to Texas town B, Texas to California, CA to RI, RI to CA, CA to Washington State and Washington State to RI.

This time frame covered a divorce, re-marriage, divorce and a second stepfather. (A worse alcoholic, thief, and prone to mete out physical and emotional abuse on a whim). It meant 2 Grade/Middle Schools 2 Jr. High Schools and 3 different High Schools.

What I learned was:
1.) If you had something of value, someone would try to take it or break it.
2.) I you showed a weakness it would be exploited.
3.) If I ever got control of my life NO-ONE would hurt me again.

I NEEDED to be in CONTROL...(Past Tense)
THINGS ARE CHANGING.......

What am I doing here....

2008-11-25T17:24:00.001-06:00

Behold the turtle, he never makes any progress unless he sticks his neck out.

Why discuss risk..? Well, why not, everyone take risks on some level. Whether it's engaging in unhealthy habits, daring hobbies, (Sky diving anyone?), or just trying to make a living. I'm going to stick my neck out occasionally and discuss my recovery from life's dirty dealings. (Real or Imagined) Some may choose to go along with me, that's great, (having a dialog may help), but mostly this is for my benefit. Nothing sorts out ones thinking like trying to write it out such that it at least seems coherent.

I have recently completed a wonderful (and well spent) time of going through a "12 step" program called "Celebrate Recovery" where with much trepidation I began probing my "Hurts", "Habits" and "Hangups". THAT covers a lot of territory! Here is where (over time) I hope to work out some practical healing for some of the many wounds in my life. Some self inflicted some not. This is where I will Stick my Neck Out...